A Corner of the Union

He banged his head against the wall as he reeled back in shock, frustration, and mockery.

"Oh, really, Mr. President?  You think team USA's gonna do great at the Olympics?  Clearly that is an important part of the current state of the union," he shouted sarcastically to the empty room.

He didn't normally get into politics, but for some reason, he was actually sitting this year, watching the State of the Union Address.  He was really glad that the station he was watching had explained some of the history behind it, but it also was kind of pissing him off now.  If it was just a random pointless speech, he would care ever so slightly less about how pointless it was.

. . . then again, he was frustrated by just about everything any politician did these days.

Who was he kidding?  He was only paying enough attention to get himself angry enough to post something clever on his blog . . . and there really was nothing worth writing about here.

So he closed his eyes.

He heard the door close and watched one of the most powerful men in the world walk to his desk and sit, head in his hands, letting out a huge sigh.

"Hello, Mr. President!"  The president quickly leapt to his feet, reaching instinctively for the phone that was no longer there.  "Sorry.  I borrowed your phone.  I'll get it back to you later.  Alright?"  The intruder's face and voice were both infinitely cheerier than the president, who looked both terrified and angry.

"Who are you and what do you want?"

"Straight to business then?  Alright.  I'm a victim . . . well actually a friend of a victim . . . well actually a friend of a friend of a victim."  He paused and stared into space for a moment.  "Anyway, I want justice."

The president didn't respond.  Instead, he began slowly edging his way toward the door they both knew was hidden in the wall behind him.  He managed to reach the handle, but before he could turn it, he found the intruder's hand holding his wrist.  "How did you . . . ?"

"Oh, Bill.  Can I call you Bill?"  It was an honest question.

The president looked confused, but the question seemed to catch him just off-guard enough to inspire honesty.  He spoke very slowly and cautiously.  "My name is . . . "

"I didn't ask what your name was," he said still innocently, but with a sudden spark of anger.  "I asked if I could call you Bill."

A sudden sternness overtook the politician.  "No.  You may not call me Bill," he said with more anger than he had intended and less dignity than he had hoped.  He tried to recover by stepping back toward his desk and straightening his jacket.

"Great.  So, Bill," the intruder said, walking back over to the seat he had been occupying before the president had so rudely forced him to get uncomfortable, "like I was saying, I want justice."

A sudden calm professionalism had overtaken the politician as he sat down at his desk.  "And what exactly do you want justice for?"

"Everyone and everything," the intruder said matter-of-factly.

The president had taken out a piece of paper and began writing on it.  The furniture in the room was arranged so that he knew the intruder wouldn't be able to see what he was writing, but he somehow knew that trying to keep secrets from this man wasn't going to work.  He avoided writing anything classified just in case.  "I think we all want that.  Don't we?"

The intruder leapt to his feet, gesturing wildly.  "Thank you!  Finally, a man who understands the people!"

"So what do you want from me?"

"I want you to sign an executive order officially making me a hero!"

"A hero?"

"Yes!  The United States' first superhero!  Just think how good that will look in the history books!"

"Look," he paused.  "I don't know your name."

"Oh sorry about that," the intruder replied cheerily.  "You can call me Lance."

"Alright, Larry . . . "

"It's Lance."

"Right."  The president smirked a bit.  "So, Larry, you realize that I can't really make anyone a superhero.  No one can be above the law."

Lance was suddenly standing behind the politician, gently rubbing his shoulders.  "Oh, Bill.  I think you'll find that I'm already above the law.  I just want you to make it easier on everyone and keep the authorities out of my way."  He leaned in close to whisper in the ear of the leader of the free world.  "And it's Lance."

He opened his eyes.

He must have dozed off.  Based on where the commentators were in their analysis of the president's speech, he had been out for hours.  He glanced out the window to check on the state of his little corner of the union.

Yep.  Still there.

Why did they need a two-hour speech to tell everyone that?